In January, I started going full time male. I’m a transgender man and have just started my transition from female to male. At the end of May, my seventh computer in seven years broke. I blame over use and bad luck, not that I always got lemons or treated them poorly. At the end of June, I was officially diagnosed as gender variant and given approval to go on Testosterone and start my medical transition.
As summer wore on, it became clear that those little flashes I’ve seen out the corner of my eye for most of my life are a lot more prevalent than I had thought. With three full months away from the computer screens, I noticed those little flashes more and more. They became clearer and clearer. Still in denial, I hoped they would go away with more time away from the screen, or maybe when I got a new computer in September. They didn’t. They got worse. They got clearer. I started seeing people walking outside my living room window. Sometimes they would look in, especially at night when their face would flash in front of it. There’s a corner of my living room where there’s always at least three spiders that I know aren’t there. I started feeling the cat jump on or off the foot of my bed, when she was curled up beside my face. I would feel her rub against my legs in the kitchen, when she was sleeping on the couch. At work, I would hear the radio always on, even when a coworker had turned it off. When I was laying in bed one morning and heard a man outside my window shout for me to get outside, and on checking not see anyone there, I decided to book an appointment with my doctor.
I thought to start tackling all my issues at once, why not, right? The movement disorder might be unrelated to the hallucinations, we’ll see what the latest neurologist has to say, maybe it’s related to them, the eye twitch that started a month ago seems to agree with that. I went on sleeping pills for the first time ever, trying to even out my sleep cycle, even temporarily, so I would have more energy to finish my last semester of school. The sleeping pills didn’t work, so I got new ones. The new ones brought me down. I got my third kind today and start a new regime.
It’s been three months since I got my referral to Mental Health. The girl who did my intake was very worried and wanted to make sure I saw someone ASAP. It took a month to get a referral to General Psychology and another month to hear from them that they wouldn’t see me because I had a private psychologist (the woman who did my assessment for gender variance). On explaining to them that I didn’t, they redid my assessment and it took two weeks to find out they wanted to refer me to a specialist who I had to see my GP to get a referral to. Two weeks later, and my doctor’s appointment today and I find out that my GP hasn’t heard anything from General Psychology or Mental Health. So I’m back playing telephone tag with the people who should be helping me.
While all this is going on, I’m in my final semester of college and slowly doing worse and worse as time goes on. I’m only actually passing one of my three classes and I need all three to graduate. I’m also working on prepping my online presence for my job/career search that I’m planning on starting in January.
-Sleep issues since early childhood.
-Mild hallucinations (visual, auditory, physical) increasing in severity since early childhood.
-Uncontrollable muscle spasms diagnosed in general as “movement disorder” since adolescence.
-Intrusive thoughts since adolescence.
<i>Some clarity on what I mean by “In short:”
Starting in early childhood I had mild insomnia, difficulty falling asleep. This increased in severity as I got older leading to (in late high school) days where I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. I never went more than about 36 hours without sleep prior to July 2014. In July 2014, my sleep issues suddenly changed and increased in severity. I was sleeping less than 2 hours a night on the nights I could sleep.
The hallucinations I claimed to have experienced in childhood and adolescence were shadows and movement out the corner of my eye. From what I’ve learned since starting my journey in mental health, this is relatively normal. In October 2014, I started hallucinating. I was hearing voices that weren’t there, seeing things that weren’t there, seeing things move that couldn’t possibly move, and feeling things that weren’t there. These were true hallucinations.
My problems didn’t truly start until July/October of 2014.</i>